An ordinary father wants to leave an extraordinary legacy and sets out to revisit his father’s past in hopes of helping his son face the future. Set in Eastern Kansas, it’s a story of regret, of reconciliation and of hope, exploring the complex relationship between a father and son.

And What Remains from Resonate Pictures on Vimeo.

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It began on May 26th, 2002, when my oldest son Ryan was born. Really, it began months prior to that with all the normal “being a father” fears being realized.

Will I know how to answer all his questions?

Will I be a good father?

Will my children always know I love them?

What if something happens to me and I’m not here to raise them?

The good news, even though I’m not totally sure of the answers to those questions, is that life moves fast enough that I couldn’t dwell on them. Being a father has changed me in ways that very few other things have. Having these three kids in my house has forced me to realize a few important things:

My words matter. I knew this in my first few hours of being a married man, but my words really became heavy when my kids arrived. My jokes matter, my prayers matter, my encouragement matters, my discipline matters, and all in a way that they never really did before.

I can set the tone. I bear the responsibility of what my home feels like. I can decide what mood we are in just by what mood I’m in. This gives me pause each day when I arrive in my house, because I know this won’t always be the case as my kids get older and more independant.

What I do today affects tomorrow. It’s amazing what my kids remember that I don’t. Everyday is an investment into tomorrow. I want my teenagers to talk to me when they are teenagers, so I’m trying really hard to make that happen when they are 7, 9 and 11.

Time with them is important. I’ve learned that 30 minutes at bedtime is more valuable than any 2 hour Skype chat or Facetime interaction. Being with them is sometimes the only thing I have to bring, and thankfully it’s usually all they want.

Calling all fathers. Anything being a Dad has taught you? 

Field Trip! 10 Books That Will Send Kids Exploring - “Spring 2013 has been a very good year for children’s books that spark the imagination and make kids (and grownups) want to do a little more exploring.”

Radical: Three Years Later - Just over three years ago, a little orange book titled Radical was published. In the post the author, David Platt looks back on the success of the book, and it’s impact on reader and his own church in the 3 years since publication. Personally, this book has been a great inspiration for Starr and I. Couldn’t encourage someone to read it more!

BBC News: Why Finnish Babies Sleep in Cardboard Boxes - “It’s a tradition that dates back to the 1930s and it’s designed to give all children in Finland, no matter what background they’re from, an equal start in life.”

Popular Books on GoodReads - I can’t totally agree with everything on this list, and of course I haven’t read them all. I just appreciated the lists. Here are list for my kids ages:

• 6th Grade
• 4th Grade
• 2nd Grade

Zach Sobiech is a 17 year old diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a rare form of bone cancer. With only months to live, Zach turned to music to say goodbye.

Often the most overlooked parts of our unique parenting style, is the marriage aspect. We read books on parenting, we talk to other parents about our kids, and we laugh together about all of our parenting misadventures. However, we don’t often put an equal amount of energy into our marriage.

We’d all agree that we want our kids to see a good marriage. Nobody wants their kids to see an eventual divorce, broken homes, constant bickering, and angry conversations. But, what does it look like for kids to see a good marriage? Is it public displays of affection? A little kissing, and a dad that does the dishes?

I believe it’s much more than any of that.

It’s conflict resolution. Spouses will argue, and if they are really passionate arguers it will be loud. All couples have disagreements, frustrations with each other, and even an occasional misunderstanding. We should limit how much a part of our lives are described by the previous reasons, but we all know those things will happen. The solution to making conflict work in your families is to let your kids see the compromises made, the apologies given, and the grace applied.

It’s serving even when it’s not convenient. It’s as easy as getting that second glass of iced tea before they ask for it, and as difficult as taking an entire weekend to help the family accomplish a task that your wife is asking for. Serve your spouse in front of your kids, and the less convenient it is…the more of an impact it can have on them when they see it!

It’s spoken words of love. Sure, show your love with some actions, but fill the cup with overflowing in the words department. Say it. Tell her you love her. Tell him he’s awesome. Let the words between you and your spouse be words of life and love. You should also let the words of love flow, even when your only audience is the kids!

It’s including them in the love story. Once upon a time…I met my wife. There is a lot of story there, but the story really takes off when my little ones starting arriving. My 3 kids are one of the best parts of the love story that Starr and I are writing together. I let my kids know, that each time one of them entered the world…my love for their mother increased yet again. I love her more, because I have them in my family.

It’s putting them 2nd. Here is the importance ranking in my house. Starr is #1. Kids are scattered in somewhere at #2. Then everyone else is a distant #3. But the #2 ranked kids aren’t even close to their #1 ranked mother. It’s not #1a and #1b. It’s her first, always first, never last, and the one that will be with me forever. She’s the only person in the house that makes it all work for me. This doesn’t hurt my kids self-esteem, it builds it up.

Anything you’d add to the list? How do we protect our marriage in front of our kids?

There are two sides of this “responsible parenting” red-rover game. The Experience parent wants their kids to see what the world is all about. The Bubble parent wants to shelter and protect their kids from anything worldly. The Experience parent says that we should let our kids see and experience the world  from the safety and comfort of our own. The Bubble parent says that it’s our duty to protect our kids from an evil culture and world that wants to expose them to things before they are ready.

The Experience parent says that if you don’t expose your kids to some things, then they will grow up wanting to eat the forbidden fruit of rated R movies and alcohol, and then not know how to manage their freedom successfully. The Bubble parent says that if you expose your kids to too much, then they will begin to feed their sinful desires from a young age and will never develop healthy guard rails against sin.

Who’s right?

How much of the world should I expose my kids too?

Why should we expose them at all?

How much of my own experience should I take into account?

Could we add another segment of parents, while agreeing that both sides carry some truth on their sides?

I’ll call this alternative parenting style, “my own personal style.” I’d encourage you to develop your own as well. Do what your experience tells you, and more importantly; what you feel is most spiritually important for your own family and kids.

Here’s some of what I do:

• We do things together. There are some PG-13 movies I’d let my 9 year-old watch, but only when watched with me. I prefer to watch those movies from the comfort of my own living room, thereby giving me the luxury of the “PAUSE” button. Sometimes there are scenes with language that should demand some conversation of our own about what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate.

• We talk about everything. We talk about the scary things, the dirty things, the sexy things, the inappropriate things, and I lead the discussion. When you talk about the “unmentionables” then you take away their power.
  • For example, a few weeks ago I got my 9 and 11 year old to share with me every, single, dirty word they had ever heard. I told them what they meant, in some embarrassing detail…  Why did I do this? Because the words themselves don’t have power. The reasons behind someone would use this language holds all the power. That’s what I really wanted to talk to my kids about.

• I control what happens (movies, music, conversations, etc…) I’m the dad, and I get to be in charge. I wish some other dads would stop being embarrassed by what their kids already know.

• We do hard things together. I’ve walked through hard things with my kids. Those experiences in foster care, and moving cross-country have been painful and helpful all at the same time.

• I admit to not having all the answers. I really don’t have them all. I need some help. I pray to God for help. I seek out guidance from those older and more further along this journey than me. Most importantly, I let my kids see my own struggles to come up with the right thing to say in every situation. Sometimes, I just don’t know what to say.

Parents are struggling to feel like they do a good job. How do I know that? Easy. I’m a parent. I know I’m not terrible, but I’m so far from being who’d I like people to think I am. I lose my temper to often. I forget what’s really important too many times to count.

I keep trying. I keep learning, and I’ve learned to get really good at asking for forgiveness. This is the world that I live in, and it’s a familiar place for many other parents. Yet, I’m not depressed…in fact, I’m far from sad about it. I’ve learned to keep striving for the ideal and perfect, while accepting that I will never be able to actually get there.

My reason? Jesus. Jesus was forever calling us to live the ideal. He said children should obey parents, and wives should serve their husbands, and husbands should lay it all down for their wife, and fathers should speak words of grace to their children. All these things he called for, we often fail at.

Why would he call me to something so unbelievablely difficult to maintain?

Because He wants us to strive for the ideal. He knows we can’t even come close when we rely on our own strength. We need him to lead and guide us. He doesn’t judge us by our ability to be ideal, he judges us by our willingness to accept him or not.

You and I are not bad parents, but we are so much better when we let God lead us in our parenting. When we continue to grow in our relationships with our father God, then we continue to grow in our relationship as a father. When we learn to let God lead us, we learn to lead those around us.

Don’t give up on the ideal. 

I’ve written about my understandings of introverts and along with that my understanding of myself along the way. But as I’ve written and talked and shared with others what I’ve learned, I’ve been put in a box of sorts. I don’t like fences. Don’t fence me in. Sing it now…

Let’s be clear.

There are introverts and then there are introverts. Not all are created equal.

On the scale of 1-100, with 100 being the never talking introvert, I’m somewhere around the 50 mark. Again, not all introverts are created equal.

Introverts are not necessarily submissive. Just because I get energized by time alone, doesn’t mean you can walk all over me. I have opinions. Some of them are strong opinions.

I’ve come to believe that many kind-hearted extroverts are terrified of introverts. Don’t be scared. Just be yourself, I’d expect nothing less.

Introverts do like to talk. I may be the most verbal person you ever meet. I love to talk. I’ll talk myself out of something if I talk enough. I process things verbally, and I don’t even need anyone to talk with…although I’d prefer an actual person to talk with.

I may not ever be the guy with a lampshade on his head at the party, but I can still be a lot of fun. Please invite me along for the fun.

I’ll gladly wear the lampshade on my head if you put me on stage with a few thousand people around to watch. Something in my introverted-ness that shakes that off pretty easily for performance sakes.

I’m private by nature, but this is something God is changing in me. I don’t want to be guilty of using my unique personality as an excuse to be a jerk. (This one is for the introverts out there…)

Thanks for the listen. Calling all introverts, anyone out there need to add to this list? Anything I’m not clear enough on?

Roots for the Journey is available TODAY!

What started as a lullaby CD for Yancy’s son with songs all based on scripture, soon became a really nice, relaxed worship experience. The music, organic, unplugged and simple featuring upright bass, glockenspiels and cello in addition to acoustic guitars and piano, nicely accompaniments the eternal Word of God.  These songs have the power to strengthen the faith of all Christians, young and old.

“Taking key scriptures and truths that I wanted to pass on to my son and make sure he knew and understood the direction and answers these scriptures provide us was important. As I worked in the studio, I realized that with how the music was shaping up and the fact that the Bible is true whether you’re an infant or a grown up these songs had more potential. Already when I meet people in my life that are facing big mountains, fears or need answers, I’ve been able to use these songs as a way to help strengthen their faith and help them meditate on what God’s Word says.” – Yancy

Any adult will love this music! Anyone who needs a little peace and comfort added to their crazy day will benefit from not only the music but God’s promises from His Word in this music. Plus, Yancy covers her own song she wrote for Avalon 12 years ago “I Don’t Want to Go”.

There are days that I’m parenting, and think…“This really matters. Right now, what I’m doing matters. I wish other parents knew how much this really mattered!” It was a collection of those moments that led me to start tracking them more closely. Of course, there were way too many of them to list on any one blog page. So I boiled them down to these 5 things.

Here are 5 Ideas that Matter for my Family: 

Adventure matters. Building faith by taking risks, doing things that hurt and cause pain, venturing into the unknown, and holding hands as a family throughout big change. We don’t create adventure necessarily for adventure’s sake, but we do look for the adventure in all that we do. I’ve seen it through foster parenting, changing jobs, changing schools, and going to new places with new friends. Adventure really matters. It exposes the real us, while also bringing us together.

Fun matters. Vacations and birthday parties really have a place. They matter because memories matter. As a father, I’m the one that carries the mantle for making sure we laugh and enjoy our times together. There is fun to be had on very little money, just lay back far enough to let it happen. I want my kids to really ‘act their age’ and that age is fun!

Talking matters. Everything should happen within the context of sincere relationship. We don’t need forgiveness from people we don’t know. Want your kid to be able to ask for forgiveness? Then let them get to know you. That only happens through quality time spent in building relationships. It’s not always easy work getting everyone talking, but when families talk we become a better family. Talk it out!

Learning matters. Getting better at school, learning a new sport, or becoming more adept at using an instrument. We learn, we listen, we learn, we listen…repeat. We are the best teachers our kid will ever have, but we also learn as we lead them. Build a heart for learning in your kids by being a learner yourself. Watch television that has a point, read books that interest the entire family, and share your spiritual growth experiences with your children. Learn something!

Community matters. Our family is important, but it’s still a family within a family. There are other dads, moms, and 5th graders in the world. We are all in this together, and our kids need to see it. Go to church, share community. Make it a priority, and watch the community come to your rescue as you lead your own family. It really works, and I believe in it enough to dedicate my entire professional life to helping it do so!

As Friday’s lend themselves to playing catch-up, here is some Internet Gold that I’ve loved over the past few weeks.

The Gospel and the (Im)perfect Marriage - “Depending on how well we do in our own eyes, perfectionism can play out in a variety of negative responses: feelings of worthlessness, inordinate preoccupation with the opinions of other people, paralyzing fear, impatience with others, and a sense of superiority.”

Shaping a Child’s Soul: A task to Important to be Entrusted to a Professional -  “Efficiency is not the goal of gospel-motivated ministry.”

How to Save Money around the Home - “Sometimes we put these small changes off because we forget just how much money we could save if we do them.”

The Secret to Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids - “We live in complex times. As I work with thousands of parents and faculty each year, I’m increasingly convinced we have a more engaged set of adults who care about kids today than at any time since I began my career in 1979. Simultaneously, however, I am observing a more troubled population of kids, especially by the time they reach their teen years. It appears at first like an oxymoron. How can such a cared-for generation experience such emotional difficulties?”

• One is hyper organized, moderately controlling, quick to ask forgiveness, and genuinely compassionate with others.

• The other is charming, a rock solid friend, super fun, and is not ashamed to give out a hug when it’s needed.

• The third one has a deep desire to be a good friend, is a strong and vocal leader and reminds us all the most of her mother.

These are my 3 children in a nutshell. So many different qualities, and so many easy to assume futures. I understand birth order, but I don’t buy it entirely. Just because my middle child is funny and gregarious, doesn’t mean he can’t grow up to be thoughtful and sensitive. My first-born is classic in so many ways, but I don’t want him locked into that ‘first born syndrome’ his entire life.

I believe that God can and will shape my children in ways that their ‘birth order’ will not make sense of.

Here is how I protect their differences, while waiting with expectancy about what they are still yet to become.

Celebrate them. I celebrate what they are today. It’s so easy to talk about what’s ‘wrong‘ and ‘needs fixing‘ in their lives, but I work hard as a father to celebrate the greatness I already see. My daughter is so gentle with her baby dolls, and while I know that is not a guarantee that she becomes a great mother; it’s ignorant to pass up the opportunity to talk about how that compassion towards an inanimate doll could be a gift of compassion developing somewhere in her heart.

Stay undecided. What they’re good at today, may not be what their good at tomorrow. Vice versa that as well. There is the obvious, but there is also the ‘just under the surface’ stuff there as well. Sure, my 9-year-old struggles with multiplication. But does that mean he will struggle with all math the rest of his life? Of course it doesn’t. It breaks my heart when parents tag their kids giftings too early. Let them breathe, let them grow and then learn to …

Dream with them. Never stop asking questions, “What do you want to become?” I use my questions to talk about things they’d want in a future spouse, what parts of the country they’d want to live in, and where certain jobs and careers could take them.

As a parent, it’s my responsibility to help my kids grow, learn, dream, and become the adults God wants them to be. I want them to hear God’s voice, respond to that voice, and then depend on Him to carry it out. It all begins with just letting them grow.

They don’t belong to me anyways, right? I have a suspicion God has much bigger plans for them then their mother or I could ever have.

I was agitated. I had a long day at work. The lasagna I made took 4x as long to make and clean up than it did to eat, and no one was even all that impressed by it.

I was busy getting the last of dinner put away before we needed to jet out the door to get to my 5th grade son Ryan’s baseball game. As I rinsed the final dish I said to my 1st grade daughter, “Lauryn, I need you to brush your hair and get your shoes on your feet. Right now. We’ve gotta go.”  I ran upstairs to toss a load of clothes in the dryer and pull on my shoes.  Jog back down the stairs… to see Lauryn still sitting in the middle of the living room floor.  Hair a mess.  No shoes.  Clearly day dreaming.

The agitation I mentioned in paragraph one had now escalated.

I stopped. Looked at her. And thought, “I cannot think of a consequence for her at this moment.  My brain is fried.  I am annoyed.  I am late.  She is not ready to go.  What consequence is appropriate here….other than letting loose with the “Are you KIDDING me right now?!?!” speech that I wanted to spew all over her messy-headed self.  In my agitation, I was baffled as to what I should even say or do.

Then, in that still small voice, I hear the Lord say “If anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask the Father who gives graciously to all without finding fault.”

Okay then, Lord.  I need some help here.  I need some wisdom.

Then, “Look at her.”

I see her, Lord.  She’s shoeless with messy hair and she is making me late.

“Look again. Look.”

I see her, Lord.  Okay, yes.  Yes…. [deep breath] I see.  She’s seven, and precious, and caught up in her own sweet world that’s full of innocent daydreams. But Lord, she clearly disobeyed.  I told her to brush her hair.  Find her shoes.  She didn’t.  What now?

“Grace.”

Grace?

“Yes. Grace.  Lighten up.  She can put her shoes on in the car, and the baseball fields don’t require combed hair for entrance. It’s okay.  Take a breath, and enjoy her.  Gather her up sweetly, guide her with shoes in hand to the car, and go watch your boy play some baseball.”

Oh. Okay. Yes. I guess I can do that.

———-

At the ball fields, a hat covering up that unbrushed hair!

And so off we went. The Holy Spirit gifted me with a change of heart: From agitation…to enjoyment. From wanting to discipline her (not for her benefit, but because I was annoyed)….to extending grace.  He is so, so good to answer when we call to Him. Sometimes the answer saves the mood of the entire evening. I so enjoyed riding to baseball singing along to the radio together, rather than spending the drive lecturing!

Obviously, I am all for kids learning to be quick to obey, and I expect that my kids respect me by doing what I ask. But I’m grateful for a God who sees the whole picture and knows when a mom needs to be reminded to just take a breath and lighten up. Sometimes, it’s just a pair of shoes.

Baseball, soccer, and gymnastics make up many afternoons and evenings in our house. It would seem that we enjoy the sports-scene, and that is very true. I love watching my kids run around a baseball field, learn to get better at soccer, and take on the challenge of a new gymnastics routine. However, I also know there are limits to every good thing. There is a place we can get into with extracurricular activities that begin to push us beyond a healthy pace.

Here are the Cliff family guardrails to help keep these outside interests in proper perspective:

The kids have to enjoy it. Yes, they are forced to finish what they commit to. Yes, they are forced to attend practices. No, I do not force them to sign-up each season. I want my kids to enjoy the experience, and if they are only doing it because I like them to do, then it won’t last. The fun has to be there for it to really work.

They have to do something extracurricular. While I don’t require them to do one thing over another, I do require them to do something outside of the normal. It could be sports, music, or art classes. We’ve had them involved in each of those at one time or another.

There is an end date in view. Baseball is a spring sport. It is not a fall sport for our family. Soccer is 10 weeks long, not 25 weeks long for our family. Granted, my kids aren’t yet teenagers, but we work hard to make sure the experience has a clear ending time.

All normal rules apply. They need to make wise choices, they should treat others the way they wanted to be treated, and they will use the experience to show Christs love in a practical way. Extracurricular isn’t an escape from reality, it’s a new arena to practice all that life expects from us.

Give our best. Giving your very best involves practicing, trying hard, and never giving up when things get tough. In fact, that’s probably why I lean so strongly towards competitive sports. There is something to working together as a team to accomplish a goal that I love my kids to be involved with.

Of course, there are always exceptions. These are just some healthy ways we keep all that we do in the right perspective. We are a family FIRST, we are not baseball players first. We are a family FIRST, we are not slaves to gymnastics practice. We are a family FIRST, we are not victims of the soccer schedule.

How do you keep things healthy for your kids in these busy seasons?